Let life roll

Next month, I will be a real writer — journalist actually. And I’m begging people I know to tell me that I can do it because I can’t convince myself that I can.

You know, my insecure self is eating my entirety. At 22, I’m nobody, no dreams and aspirations. No directions and plans. I don’t even know why asked to be a journalist. Hasty decision but what else can be done? Life happens.

Uncertain self making huge steps, that’s very me in every inch. I haven’t started yet but the fear of being surrounded by real intelligent people is consuming me.
Ang labo na ng post na to, parang ako. Di alam kung pano magsisimula, di alam kung paano magpapatuloy, at higit sa kung ano pa man, di alam kung pano tatapusin.

I’ll be okay soon. For the mean time, let life roll!

#Lost

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Yearender

2015 — it wasn’t the year I hope it would be. It was bannered by failure, rejection, lost and heartbreaks. It was year my faith was tested, but guess what, I’m still thriving. I was challenged but never gave up.

Sure, I always thought of quitting but I never did. I lost every positive DNA that lies on my body. I loved and was left. Lost a friend and a buddy.

It was also the year we found out lola has a cancer. She underwent medical treatment despite her bird-like frame. I wasn’t the only one who was tested but my entire family as well.

I almost lost my brother due to a motor accident. I had experienced crying while walking along Taft under a broad daylight. I cried on the MRT and jeep. Oh boy, 2015 was a bomb!!

Battling between my own self was one tough agenda. I convinced myself, I fought with my own thoughts and I had to win over myself. One crazy year.

2015 was a year of love and heartbreaks. The memories are still pulling me back to past.

Although it wasn’t the year I expected, It was the year where I learned the most out of life. Some lessons were given the hard way but It made me stronger, man enough and responsible.

But it goes on. Tears dry, smiles wry.

For 2016, I don’t expect you to become easy so expect me to be tough! Give me more tears — brought by joy or by pain. Give me reasons to laugh — upon myself or others. Give me more lessons — let’s do it the hard way! And above anything else, give me more stories to tell!

Bring it on.

#01012016

Life’s reality

Stuck in the same place while others go get their dreams. Glued on my seat while others chase their goals. Welcome to my life — dull, boring and pointless.

I am always been the “okay” kid, always adjusting, always conforming. I’m always okay with everything until I’ve totally forgotten want I really want.

I wear masks of joy, happiness, positivity where in fact I am loser, desperate and lonely. I unmasked myself to few people but I guess my story is not something they need to concern with.

Life reveals reality to me one day at a time. Reality that I’m not good enough. Reality that I’m not good and reality that I’m not enough. Reality is making me hate the future. It doesn’t look bright.

Dreary, damn and dreaded life had become. It’s painful to admit that I am not the person others think I am and what’s more painful is admitting to myself that I am not the person I think I am. I am a failure.

If each failure means one step backward in achieving your purpose in life, I guess it’s safe to say that I am out of the race for all the mistakes I’ve done.

This is my life. A story of seething, self-loathing and defeat.

#12052015

Lost in Cebu

I did for the first time in my life something I have ever dreamt of: To travel alone in a place where I am an alien, doing something outside my (boring) life routine. Queen City of the South, Cebu City, is the place.

Home of the first Christians, brought by Ferdinand Magellan in 1521, Cebu positions itself as an emerging economic power with the advent of modernization and progress without sacrificing its history and culture.
Home of the Sto. Niño, Cebu is a place where one would want to get lost because of its warm people who are very assitive and willingly answering queries.

I went to Cebu last month without itenerary. I strolled around the city the way I randomly want to. Turn left and Turn right without directions. Yup, You are right, I went to Cebu primarily to get lost — that’s where the thrill is.

Transport system in Cebu is very tricky because jeepneys have transport codes — or I assume they are codes — like 01K,   02C, etc. You really need to talk to the locals what and where to ride if you don’t want to get lost. And for my case since I want challenge, I experienced I getting off to the jeep way far to my destinations thrice because I did not tell the driver where I’m heading until it’s too late. I just acted as if I know where I’m headed. I also experienced walking to nowhere while raining, wearing a shorts, plain white shirt and my backpack.

But please imagine the grind on my face, the deep breath I took, and the success I felt when I finally reach all my destinations. It was tiring but all worth it.

I went to renowned tourist destinations like Basilica del Santo Niño, Metropolitan Cathedral, and Magellan’s Cross. Took some photos, eat and do whatever I want to do. I drank alone smoke cigars and while listening to other people’s conversation trying to understand their native tongue. It’s amusing and liberating at the same time.

Nothing beats the feeling of being in charge of your own life. Your life is yours to enjoy while listening to yourself for a while. You discover your own self. You got to love the freedom when you get when you travel alone.

Whoever reads this, I encourage you to do the same once in your life. Be free and be liberated and you’ll never regret it.

#11092015
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I write

I was a kid released into a labyrinth after my college graduation. I started my quest without knowing what thy heavens may bring — or what direction to take.

I met people on their own quests, some whom I envy because they as if know what road to take and what they want in their lives, while here I stopped for a moment and just watch them pass me by.

Standing still on the same place where I stayed waiting for a something that may happen about my life did not actually do any good at all — I must move, be it left or right, run or maybe roll. I gotta move it.

Time came when quitting seems like the only option but I did something otherwise — I took one more step. Then step after step, day after day while thinking that shit happens. Fuck it because I don’t know where to go but it doesn’t mean I have to stop. Rolled, stumbled, and enjoy the process. Live by the pain and feel it. Life is too short cry, why fill it with tears when you can fill it with laughter? Then suddenly I felt something.

I want to write. I don’t know when did the urge start or how it started. All I know is that I want to work with words. Play with it, sew it and make a threads out of it and then make cloth from it. Cloth that one day one will wear expressing my thoughts that reflect his.
I still on the labyrinth finding my way out of success, it may take a while or not be easy, but I gotta move it!

One day, I’ll write my own story — and yours and everyone else. But for now I have to start it with one letter — “I”.

#100915

Like those of movies

Why can’t we be like those of movies, where every twist and turns of the character leads him to perfect ending — where every tears that fall will be rewarded by a smile that’ll show. Why?

Why can’t we be like Eternal Sunshine where the two lead stars decided to erase each other from their minds and still ended meeting each other — and they compromise in the end. They know what will happen next — the girl will get bored and fucked up then she’ll leave here him anew — but a smile, a hug and “okay” capped the entire movie. Why can’t we be like that?

Or check this: Why can’t I be like that in 500 Days of Summer, when the guy woke up one morning not knowing why he got dumped by the girl he loved the most — and worst is that the girl got married suddenly. He spent a time of his life finding for answers and almost lost his mind. Then when he decided to fix his life, he met someone and the movie ended the guy asking the girl for a coffee — signifying a new season. An autumn. Will I ever experience that?

Why can’t we be like the epic One More Chance, where the two of them spent five years together and got separated, met new people in their lives, grew separately and then they met again where their hearts are good as brand new and they are ready to fall in love for one more time. And then they look at each other’s eyes and gone are the pain.

I got more whys and what ifs as the days move forward. I have now regret every opportunity that I could have been with you but chose not to. I now miss every attention you gave me but wasn’t able to seize it.

Stories like those I mentioned above ended in hopeful way but you ended ours in three words: “Ayoko na, Sorry.”

Concise, clear and with brevity — short enough to cut me off from saying any more lines.

And unlike those movies, our story ends here.

0823


Bargaining

You really can’t go out with pain without getting through it. Each blades has to wound you. Each thorns has to cause you scar. It needs to be felt as they say.

I’m just ranting why I get easily replaced. Why am I left behind. Why I feel more pain than the other side of this game. Why so sudden. Why?

I’ve got more questions than answers. Each passing day leaves me with wild array of possibilities why — number one on the list is I am not enough. I have the same posts all over and over again because I have the same sentiments everyday.

One quote reads: “You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.”
I can’t move forward, yet, because I’m still stuck with the idea that somewhere deep in you lies me and it needs a little, uhm, awakening. (One day I’ll move on and read this then I will surely laugh my ass off with this.)

Everyday is a bargaining. I bargain myself.
(Basha peram ng linya)
“Sana ako nalang, Sana ako pa rin, Sana ako nalang ulit.”

#Entry081415